As time passed, our desire to have kids increased. It had been frustrating before, but once it reached 10 months of trying, my frustration was over the top. Every time I heard of people getting pregnant that I knew, it made my heart groan within me as I asked, "Why me?"
I found this pic of my husband and I holding one of our nieces. When I found it I turned to my husband and said, "Don't we look so good with a child? One day that will be us."
I told my husband as we went through this that I wish I had never taken birth control pills and that we had never waited to start having kids but for some reason before we got married, I didn't know what I wanted to do. So I took birth control pills not knowing exactly what we wanted and not realizing some of the consequences of that decision. We don't know if this played any part in our infertility but I had just wished I hadn't taken the pills.
At that point, even though it hadn't been a year since we had been trying yet, my husband and I decided that it would be a good time to start going to a doctor to see what they thought was going on. We just went to a women's doctor in the little town of Rexburg, Idaho at a place called Seasons Medical. We got some guesses from the doctor but no actual tests were done. As we thought about what the doctor said, we decided eating healthy and exercising would be our best bet. Yes, we could take the clomid but this seemed like a good idea at the time. I hadn't been doing very well at my exercising and eating healthy so it would get me on track.
Two months passed. I had been exercising and doing my best to eat healthy. I had lost about 12 pounds in 2 months. I felt accomplished but each time I started my period, my frustration grew. It just didn't seem fair. I was doing what I was told to do. I remembered what the doctor said, "It could take awhile. Maybe even a year." Another year?! I couldn't stand the thought. Was this really what the Lord wanted for us? To keep trying and getting frustrated with each negative pregnancy test?
Every time I went to church, I saw pregnant women and kids. It seemed almost too much for me to handle. It got really hard to go to church. But I preserved and many times was crying after church while my husband comforted me.
At our year mark, we went to the women's doctor again. They had me take a blood test to test my progesterone levels at Day 21 of my cycle. Progesterone levels helped the doctors to see if ovulation was even occurring in my body. When we got the results back, my progesterone levels were really low. I was put on clomid. After my first cycle of clomid, I went to get my blood drawn again on Day 21 of my cycle. My progesterone was high! Because it was so high, the doctor split my dose in half. Each cycle I took an at-home ovulation kit test. 2 times I got a positive ovulation on Day 16 of my cycle.
On my third cycle of clomid we were in the middle of moving and going on a family trip. Once the trip was over, I called the Utah Fertility Center. My husband and I had already decided before moving that we were going to go to the Utah Fertility Center. My sister-in-law and brother suggested we do so (they go through infertility too). I called them the first day back from our trip. And good thing I did because I called August 1st and we didn't get in until August 31st because of the wait. I hadn't realized how many were struggling with infertility.
There was a time that I felt so down, I questioned my faith. I questioned why God would put me through this when all I have ever wanted was to be a wife and a mother and when I already have a trial I fight everyday....OCD. I questioned if He trusted me. My husband helped me realize that it isn't that God doesn't trust me. We just all have our trials. Bless is heart! Even though this has been hard on him too, he puts aside his feelings and comforts me. What a man!
August 12th we were able to drop off a semen analysis for my husband. Even though we hadn't been told by any of the fertility doctors to do it, my sister-in-law suggested we do it before our consultation.
I had tested for ovulation during this time as well. The test line indicating ovulation was going to occur seemed to get darker day by day. But it never reached the full dark line. It was always lighter than the control line which means no ovulation. 2 of the days I was supposed to test, I didn't because I forgot with so much on my mind. So maybe I did ovulate and didn't know? But the crampy feelings I usually had when I knew I was ovulating didn't happen. My body always did get weird when going on vacation or moving though. Before, when I moved to my parent's house during my husband's internship more than a year ago, my periods were always 1 week late. And let me tell ya, super annoying when you are trying to get pregnant and each test taken is negative but you believe it should be positive!
Two weeks before the appointment I was antsy! I wanted to go and see what was going on. I was done with waiting. Waiting seemed to be the game we were playing and I was not enjoying it. And yes, I did start my period again after being 2-3 days late (better than being a week late!).
Finally, August 31st came. I was nervous (knowing somewhat to expect since my sister-in-law and brother had gone through it) and excited (to figure out what was going on).
Waiting in the lobby of the Utah Fertility Center
After the consultation with our doctor and finding out that Weston's semen was good and healthy, it was all on me. I was the problem. While waiting in a separate room waiting to get an ultrasound to check my ovaries, I told my husband, "I am sorry that I am the problem." He didn't mind. He knew that it was nothing that I could have controlled. I got a PAP smear test, ovaries checked, and blood drawn (7 tubes full of my blood! I have never gotten that much blood drawn in my life!). And on Sept. 2nd I get to go in for another test called HSG. Even though they know what I do have which is called PCOS because of my symptoms and checking my ovaries, they want to do extra tests to make sure I don't have any other issues.
PCOS: it stands for polycystic ovary syndrome. It is a hormone disorder and affects 5-10% of women.
I wrote this in my journal about a week ago and thought it would be a good insert to this blog post:
I would have never thought I would be going through infertility. I would never have thought I would have a hard time getting pregnant. Life brings many unexpected experiences. Some good, some bad. Some annoying, some peaceful. Some beyond stressful and some joyous. God knows what we can handle, even if we don't think we can. He helps us see the strength we are capable of. When all we can do is take one little step at a time, God helps us see what strength really is and the things we can endure. No, it isn't easy. And yes, I wish more than anything that Weston and I had a little one to care for and hold in our arms. I wish that we didn't have to go through what we are forced to go through. But we learn from each other. We grow closer through our trials. We grow closer through our deep conversations about our deepest sorrows. Life has battles. Life has experiences that bring you to your knees. Life brings times where you think, "Why me?" But no matter our trials, we all have them - big or small. And they stink. But it's life. Without them, where would we be? Without them life would be boring with no progression, no challenge to overcome and no understanding of our potential as sons and daughters of God. Again, it isn't easy. It stinks more than anything! But it is there. It cannot just go away like a zit. It cannot be ignored like a to-do list. But we can learn from them. And sometimes we don't see what we had to learn until it is over. Life is about learning, progressing, and becoming more like our Savior, Jesus Christ. And luckily, because of His sacrifice, we don't have to face it on our own because He knows; our sorrows, our pains, our desires, our hopes; He knows. When no one else does, He does.
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